If I Can't Have Him
by Yagton
Summary: The earth was changing. Time was flowing. And he was being left behind." Really sad Riku/Sora fic - read at your own risk


The warm, inviting, slightly humid summer air was slowly but surely being replaced with the crisp freshness of autumn. The tall green grass was growing shorter with each passing day, fading into the color of field grain. Leaves were also losing their green tint, some only yellow, others pumpkin orange, still more already the deep scarlet of an ibis' feathers.

Riku gazed at the world, changing with every minute that flew by. Upon looking at his own skin, he was allowed to see himself…the same muscular tones, the same slight tan…he had the same silver hair, the same low-hanging, torn jeans supported by the same studded belt…the same torn, sleeveless shirt…the same blue eyes…

The earth was changing. Time was flowing. And he was being left behind.

School was an absolute nightmare. Even though it was only a few weeks into the year, he was feeling the stabbing loneliness. It was his fault he was antisocial. He'd brought it down on himself, but what else could he have done? He wasn't…normal…

Each day, he stared across the room at his Aphrodite, his angel, his carved cherub.

But he could never have the love of Sora. In every single class, Riku had to endure the torture of being so close to the one he desired most, but yet being so far away. Why? Hey had always been close friends, but recently…Riku couldn't bear to even talk to Sora. It was like they lived on separate planes, and neither one could touch the other.

But that day, they collided.

Where had Riku attained the courage to do what he was about to do? Honestly, it was a mystery to even him. But, nonetheless, some part of him had awakened. And today, he wouldn't waste that precious gift – he was going to confess his love to Sora.

It was an agonizing 4 hours until the start of lunch. Riku hadn't counted on the lunch lines going fast, so he'd packed a sandwich and an apple. Besides, it meant he could sit down with Sora faster – Sora always packed his own lunch, as he didn't trust school food.

Riku watched the brunette take a seat, getting comfortable with the bench. And, ever so subtly, Riku scooted closer. And closer. And closer. Almost until the two boys were touching.

"…Sora…"

The other boy turned to Riku, a bit flustered. "I had hoped you hadn't gone mute, Riku. Geez, how long's it been?" The smile woven onto Sora's face was another form of torture. But Riku had to overcome it.

"Sora…There's something I want – no, I need to tell you."

"Oh! Can you hold on for a sec?" Sora had evidently just noticed something. Getting up, he walked a few feet over to Kairi, the redheaded girl that almost everyone found pretty.

"What's up, Sora?" she asked. The three knew each other very well.

"Kairi…I…" Sora reached out both his hands and cupped both of Kairi's within them. "I want to know if you'll be my girlfriend."

The redheads face went the color of her hair. She took in a few deep breaths before throwing herself into his arms. "Yes…"

Riku overheard everything. There came a sudden feeling in his chest. There was a manic thumping, a shortness of breath, and the worst degree of despair he'd ever felt.

Perhaps this was what it felt like to have your heart broken.

After a few minutes, Sora came back over to Riku, whose face had gone pale, like milk. "What did you need to tell me?"

But Riku got up, shaking his head. "It's…it's nothing." He turned and left, knowing his legs would give out at any second. _'Don't let him see you cry, Riku…Don't let him see you cry…'_

He avoided everyone he could for the rest of the day, and didn't go home when the final bell rang. Instead, he took a sketchbook and a pencil and ventured up to the cliffs. It was a serene place where one could go to the edge, look out, and see the shining blue waters of the ocean mingle. There was nothing between you and the horizon on the cliffs.

Sitting down, Riku opened his sketchbook and began tracing lines. He drew the golden leaves upon the sycamore trees, and the trees themselves, with twisting branches and dark brown bark. He drew the grass in the middle of transformation from green to goldenrod. He drew the cliff's edge, the stretching ocean, and the afternoon sun beginning to slowly sink below the horizon line.

And when he was done drawing the backdrop, he began drawing the scene. It took him the better portion of three hours to complete.

When he was done, he set the book and pencil down underneath a sycamore and looked out on the water. It was azure now, a bit darker than the color of his own eyes. The waves had long since stopped rolling – it was low tide.

Riku walked out to the edge and took a deep breath. There was a hint of mint in the air.

He exhaled and closed his eyes.

He threw himself off the cliff.

* * * * *

It wasn't until the next day that someone found Riku's body, floating lazily near the beach. His eyes were wide open with the expression of longing and depression frozen in his mouth, his hair, and his eyes.

His family – his mother only, since his father had run off a long time ago – and Sora and Kairi were the first to be notified. All three shared a long, hard cry when the news was initially broken to them.

The police notified them that the only place he could've killed himself would be the cliffs, since there was nothing around him in the water to suggest a different method of suicide. So they went up to the top, to the sycamore tree grove where Riku would often spend summer days with them.

His old sketchbook was lying open on the grass underneath his favorite tree. It was open to the last page Riku had drawn on. Sora went up to it, bent down, and grasped it in his quaking fingers. Bringing it up to eye level, he attempted to stop his fingers from their shaking, so he could get a clear view of what had been sketched.

When he did, he let out a small shriek and dropped the book.

Kairi and Riku's mother came running up to him, screaming at him about what the problem was. But the brunette could only point and stare at the sketchbook. Kairi bent down and picked it up, holding it so all three could see it.

It was a late summer scene, with everything transitioning to gold. Riku and Sora were on the page, holding hands. They kissed in front of the setting sun, in a gale of leaves swirling around them.

And – to Sora, at least – it was all too clear why Riku was dead.

The thought of it weighed heavily on Sora's mind. Over the next three days, he was silent. Instead of his happy demeanor, he now carried an atmosphere on dejection on his back. Every single test given during that time he failed miserably – in fact, he never put a single answer down. His pencil didn't move.

The day of Riku's funeral, it took Sora an hour to put on his black mourner's outfit. He increased the feeling – and reality – of loss by applying dark mascara on his eyes.

One could look at Sora now, and mistake him for a walking corpse. His face was gaunt, his eyes drooping from lack of sleep.

To make a ceremony drearier would've been quite a feat. No one wanted to talk, and everyone was sobbing. The pews were almost full of people – relatives, neighbors, friends…Everyone who knew Riku was there.

"He had such an impact on peoples' lives. He touched everyone in the spot where it matters most – the heart. Truly, I cannot say I've met someone who knew Riku and spoke badly about him. He was kind, caring, giving…" Roxas, who looked terrible as well – he was one of Riku's best friends, after all, so the news was devastating to him – reflected. Suddenly, he began to choke, wet tears streaming down his rosy cheeks. After a few attempts to continue, he shook his head and walked down from the podium; he couldn't speak anymore.

It was around this point that Kairi noticed Sora shaking uncontrollably in his seat. A few moments later, he got to his feet in a wail, tearing out into the aisle. He ran down the aisle towards the door, throwing it open and going through in a dead sprint.

Kairi had to put a hand in front of her face to keep herself from sobbing too much. It was so downright painful…

The pastor got up to deliver another message to the mourners. He had just begun to open his mouth…

A small little "boom!" could be heard in the distance. Immediately, the parishioners began screaming, jumping out of their seats and running around. Chaos had broken loose inside the church – even Kairi and Riku's mother joined in the anarchy.

Everyone swarmed out of the room of worship. It was a gigantic mass of black swirling out of the doors, going down each and every hall.

The church was enormous, and one could easily get lost inside. Kairi and Riku's mother got separated in the pandemonium, and the redhead decided she had to fend for herself. Some halls she was forced down, but others she chose herself.

There was a particular passage that she was going down – everyone ran down it, screaming their lungs out. But Kairi stopped, having noticed something that no one else did in the panic: a door was slightly ajar. She went up to the old Victorian wood and, taking a deep breath, pushed it open.

Her gasp was like the squeak of a mouse. There was a single window that let a pale, eerie blue light into the room, in a transparent stream. Kairi put a hand over her mouth, rushing into the room.

Sora lay slumped against the wall. A revolver lay not a foot away from his right arm, smoke still barely coming out of the barrel. There was a hole in his chest, right on his heart, and his Sunday's best was already heavily stained with blood.

Now the tears started. She looked at his face…his beautiful face, so marred by death…

Something above his hair caught her eyes. Through the wetness she could see that he'd quickly carved something into the wall.

'_If I can't have him here, then he can have me there.'_


End file.
